Have you ever taken the time to get curious, and explore where emotions of stress like frustration or guilt are coming from?  What is it really, that is making you feel overwhelmed or hopeless? 

Is it possible that those feelings are coming from judgements or expectations that you’re holding over yourself, and that you hold the key to freeing yourself from that level of stress that you’re carrying with you? Let’s take a look at the expectations that may be weighing you down or holding you back. 

In this episode I discuss 

• What to do when life feels unfair 
• Personal expectations to always do “more” 
• Handling disappointments 
• Getting clarity on a goal, and then letting go 
• The benefits of community and connection 
• Celebrations & Gratitude 

Susi: Welcome back. So happy to have you with me this week on the show, I’d like to take a little bit of time to explore some of the sources of our discontent. What I see a lot of people really struggling with, and I think you might relate to some of these topics.

So let me ask you a couple of questions. Let me guide some reflection, and I would love to hear how this lands for you. So please reach out to me through Happifiedlife.com, the website where you can find these episodes, the video, the audio, you can always connect with me there, or please leave a comment. And I’d love to hear from you, uh, feel free to review the show and share your thoughts.

Um, when I think of the level of emotional stress. When that starts to add up. When I start feeling irritable, when I start feeling overwhelmed, when I start really questioning, am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing? As much as I could be doing, perhaps you can relate to these feelings, maybe these judgements that might be coming up for you.

I would like to ask you to then also bring in some curiosity, because I think that there’s a lot of power in getting curious and this process of exploration. And I’m gonna share a couple of other key points where I think this curiosity and getting outside perspective can be so, so powerful. Certainly initially to get an idea where these emotions are coming up from now, we typically tend to move away from those uncomfortable emotions.

Maybe the time isn’t appropriate, maybe we don’t want to lash out at the wrong people or we feel we can’t. And then we end up lashing out at the people that we care about even more. Um, but we have to be present to these emotions. And this is where that superpower, if you will, of C. Really helps emotions are energy in motion.

And when we can let those feelings move through us, then we can be open to what follows, which is usually a lesson, some powerful learning. And again, some perspectives that help us make sense of all of this craziness that is. So I’d like you first, as you feel these emotions of stress, if you can get curious about where these judgements are coming from, where is this frustration arising from?

And maybe what expectations are you holding that are causing. Some of these emotions, this frustration, this anger, this irritability, this impatience that you might be feeling, maybe you can relate. And how could you possibly hold the key to free yourself from that level of stress that you find yourself carrying?

So, where did some of these expectations come up that can be weighing you down or holding you back in making progress and moving forward to create the life that you want and the success that you’re aiming for? Sometimes we feel like life isn’t supposed to be this way. And even more so over the last couple of years, when we’ve met more frustrations and limitations than perhaps ever before in your life, it’s easy to get into this route, into this mental loop life isn’t supposed to be this way.

I should be happier. I should be more successful. I should have more money saved for retirement. And the question that comes up that’s really powerful is to stop that mental chatter. By asking according to who are they truly your own expectations, or are you trying to measure up to someone else’s view of success?

When is the last time that you checked in with yourself to find the true sources of pleasure in your life? Could you be happier? With what you have, where you are, if you stop measuring up where you think you’re falling short, if you think that you can’t be happy until you’re successful, until you reach those goals, self appointed or shared with you by society, by your family, by those expectations, um, come back to.

possibility that potential of how positivity can help you find that success more easily. I talked about that in an episode that I shared recently, the superpower of positivity, where it’s really exciting. And I think inspiring to discover where, when we give ourselves permission to do more of the things that make us happy, more of the things that bring us joy.

and we are happy. We are feeling more positive. Now. It’s so much easier to reach that success instead of trying to, you know, chastising ourselves or judging ourselves or holding ourselves accountable in some way that is hard on ourselves and taking away what joy we can find in this often crazy chaotic.

Rollercoaster experience that we’re all on. What are some ways in which you can bring yourself some happiness? Now, one way that I love to encourage people to explore. This is to think a little bit, you know, give yourself a little time journal. If you like to write these down. I like to think of that as a brain dump journaling can really clear the cash and create some mental space.

Write about what is your most ideal. Go ahead and just let it all out. Maybe it’s you on a vacation, maybe it’s you on a day off, maybe it’s you simply not setting the alarm, but go ahead and get creative indulge in this exercise. What is your most ideal day? And then take a look at components of that.

What are some ways you can bring a flavor of that? A piece of that day into your daily experience? If. Eating a beautiful breakfast on a patio and a gorgeous resort with a phenomenal view. Is there a place you can put a little table in some morning, sunshine where you can have your cup of coffee or tea and a light breakfast, and you can feel a little bit of that indulgence any day.

You choose to take a couple extra steps and have your meal outside or in a sunny window. What are some ways that you can bring a little bit of joy to yourself instead of holding out and telling ourselves when we’re successful, when we’ve done a good job, then we’ll get what we deserve. We deserve to be happy right now, my friends.

So another expectation or judgment that I see a lot of people struggling with and something that I hear in my own mind. So please don’t, let me give you the idea. I have surpassed all of these expectations and objections feeling like I’m not doing as much as I. This is something that I actually come back to quite a lot.

But for those of you who have children, I think that these expectations personally, and even societally are really heavy. You know, if you have kids, you think you need to make it to every game, every performance check, all the homework, you know, at the end of the night, deliver on all of their wishes. Maybe you feel like making your child.

Childhood happier than your own was, is worth sacrificing some of your own opportunities to find a little bit of balance, to carve out some peace in your life. And so I propose my dear busy, busy, loving giving, supporting parents who need a little bit of caring and support themselves. I propose that allowing your children to navigate a little bit of struggle, to face some disappointment.

and learn how to put things in perspective for them to learn, to solve some problems in life, on their own, instead of you smoothing the way for them in every way you possibly can so that they don’t meet any frustrations or struggles that disappointments, we want our children to be happy and have everything that they can get in life.

And I propose that when you give them this opportunity for self soothing for. Overcoming obstacles for dealing with some disappointments, we are helping them develop more of the tools that they need to succeed. Resilience is learned, and it’s a muscle that we can build. It isn’t it better for our children to have the opportunity to work through some of these tough times to work through some of these disappointments or struggles while they’re still at home.

And we can offer support and be a listening ear more easily than when they’re out of the house when they’re dealing with more on their own when you’re not just down the hall. And you’re hoping that they’ll pick up the. And call you for support. It’s easier for them to develop these skills when they’re younger.

So don’t feel like you need to. Be at 110% for your children all of the time. And I also propose that by taking care of yourself, you’re modeling to them how important their own self care and attention to their own wellbeing is. And that is a priceless perspective for them to carry through the rest of their lives by being your own advocate for what you need to feel nourished and centered.

And. Balanced as you define that to be balance is a moving target, not a destination. You are helping them recognize that they have that, right. And you’re helping them develop the skills to provide that for themselves throughout their lives. If it’s work expectations, get clear on what’s really expected.

From you at work, especially in these remote work situations, those expectations are a little fuzzier. Um, working with teams is a little more difficult. You know, there are fewer water cooler conversations, um, that happen that we can provide this context. So before you’re hard on yourself before you’re measure yourself to be falling short at work, make sure that the expectations you’re holding on yourselves are actually in line with what your supervisor is with, what the goal of your team is with what is best service for your clients. You don’t need to over deliver. Doing a good job is good enough. You don’t need to knock yourself out, trying to go above and beyond.

And don’t knock yourself out, trying to impress the wrong people who aren’t on your team, who aren’t your supervisor with the ability to help you promote and have better opportunities moving forward, who aren’t your clients that are really helping you move the needle?

You know, there’s a lot of different ways that 80 20 rule applies, but say, all of our energy goes to taking care of the clients that might give us the least returns. And if you take a look at what are the 20% of clients, what’s the 20% of work that is giving me 80% of the returns. And you’re able to put more focus and energy there. You’ll start to recognize where you don’t have to push so hard where you don’t have to be over delivering, right.

Give yourself that perspective and that permission to do good enough and be satisfied with that because I’m sure it’s going to be enough to deliver what your clients and what your team are needing from. Don’t give so much of yourself that you end up burned out because once we cross that point, once we’re so drained, we’ve lost inspiration or any engagement in work, we don’t have the energy, the focus that we need to do good work.

It takes a lot more recovery. So being aware of what you really need to show up and deliver at work is hugely helpful in avoiding. In preventing that kind of burnout that we all really do need to protect ourselves from. Maybe some of these expectations where you feel frustrated is in how life is shaping up.

Maybe you feel overwhelmed or hopeless, trying to take a look at how it doesn’t measure where you thought you would be right now, maybe life shouldn’t be this hard, maybe after a difficult end of a relationship romantic or with a friendship. I thought we would be together forever. Maybe it’s just feeling isolated and excluded.

I feel left. again, these can come back. These can trigger old emotions, old experiences, that little inner child that has been hurt when they were young. And we don’t have the tools and the perspective that we need to make sense of life and disappointments. These can hurt. . And when we try to control outcomes, when we try to force an outcome to fit a preconceived picture, and we end up falling short of that picture, we end up frustrated.

We end up exhausted and disappointed, and we don’t deserve to feel disappointed in ourselves because we’re falling short of expectations that, that aren’t. So I invite you to be a little curious in that perspective, perhaps this outcome that you’re aiming for. Isn’t the only successful outcome that there is to be achieved when we spend a little time getting clear on what we’re moving towards, getting clearer on a goal that is aligned with us, not only in service to what other people tell us is appropriate.

As we get clear on that. And then take a look at what we have in our own toolkit, what resources we already have available, what resources we’re gonna need to bring on board and take a perspective, understand what we have already at the table, and then be open to those gaps being filled in, be open to the solutions that are coming to you because I do believe.

in that level of the law of attraction, that when we are aligned with a goal, when we are putting in good effort to move towards, to move forward, that these opportunities, these solutions, these helpers find us because life helps us have what we need to get. A friend of mine loves to quote an African proverb, “when you pray, move your feet”.

And that is that balance in that law of attraction mindset. Know what you’re looking for? Ask for success, make your prayers, offer that up. Align in meditation and mindfulness and move your feet, be willing to do the work, know what you desire and then be willing to start moving towards that outcome.

Recognize that some blessings might not look anything like we expect them too. Sometimes life serves up heavy disappointments, but those lessons are exactly what you need. The next time you need that strength. You need that resilience, that resolve that lesson that might have hurt. And so this perspective can also be very powerful.

When you think that this road is a difficult one, you’re falling for every pothole, every detour, you know, your path is anything but linear. Give yourself a little bit of perspective. entertain the notion that this is only serving to support you in having easier success. Next time, all of these growth experiences are moving us in the right direction.

So even if it is frustrating and it’s overwhelming, and we feel that we’ve gone off track now recognize that these tools are what we are going to need to solve the issue next. In whatever shape that might come up and maybe these tools don’t solve the issue for us next time, maybe they help us to foresee and avoid it.

Maybe these tools and experiences allow you to mentor others with more authenticity, with more understanding, see how we can share our own lessons in life to support other people and continue to lift others. As well as ourselves, but do believe that the outcome, even if it doesn’t look exactly like what you expected it to, it could be better than you could have even imagined.

So when we open up, when we release that very constricted view, um, of those expectations of what success is going to look like, we can be surprised at what comes together. So with these perspectives then too, sometimes it’s easier to. Frame disappointments or to, to quiet the inner critic that might be scolding you, that chattering away as you’re trying to make your best choices, do your best work.

Um, and that inner voice, that gremlin, if you will, is being hard on you for not. Stacking up for not doing all that you should be doing. First of all, stop shooting on yourselves. You can be your own advocate as well as cheerleader. You can engage with that inner voice that critic. and get curious, ask what it is trying to protect you from ask where its concerns are coming for cons coming from consider that previous experience and fear of failure leads that inner voice to try to avoid pain, air quotes, avoiding pain, and could be limiting your possibilities.

Playing it safe. Again, those air quotes, “playing it safe” isn’t always the path to growth. In fact, it is kind of the slow road to growth because when we don’t take risks and we don’t grow, then we can’t keep on moving forward and accelerating the way that we really have that potential. So consider how you can engage with that inner critic in yourself and consider too how many other people are up against that same inner struggle, that inner voice, sometimes your encouragement to other people can go much further than you recognize.

And that leads me to another topic that I want to dig into. As I mentioned earlier, sometimes we really feel the pain of feeling disconnected of feeling left out of a group or left behind by others that we feel are moving on and reaching out, connecting in community, making that effort to be with other people, to create new relationships, as well as nurturing those other ones can go a long way towards helping us have perspective as we meet frustrations.

As we have these emotions of stress, first of all, because when we don’t withdraw even further to protect ourselves to nurse our wounds, when we are feeling stress, but we reach out, we ask a friend for some time to talk and connect. We can. Again, release these emotions, let them be experienced so that they can move through us instead of putting a lid on it and shaking up that jar and waiting for the next explosion, we give our friends the opportunity to support us, which we know, which we have seen in research is very beneficial.

We feel better when we can be of service to other people. So don’t feel that you are imposing. Unless you’re demanding too much time from someone. And then you can always frame it. Tell me when you have time, when is a good time for a conversation, I could use this much of your time to explain something that I’m working on right now. Frame your ask, honor other people’s boundaries as you’re developing your own and seek that support.

And then at the same time, when you hear what they have to say, when you ask how they’re doing, and you’re able to offer support. Again, we feel better when we’re able to give. And so you’re giving yourself a gift by supporting other people, which is also a gift. So take a look at how we can stay connected.

Don’t withdraw, don’t isolate yourself and think once I solve this. Then I’ll have that weekend date with friends. I’ll have that play date, that experience and opportunity to get together. Look for those ways for connection right now that you can really bring in together. It supports, um, supports both of you, but at the same time, also a reminder that not everyone wants to be given a solution.

So. When you are hearing someone else don’t feel that in order to solve their problems, you need to give them the solution or tell them the next step, many, many, many cases. And I’m sure you can relate. Simply being heard and feeling understood is healing. So create that space for someone who needs support, and don’t be afraid again, if you’re seeking support to let someone.

I don’t even know if I need a solution. I don’t know if I’m asking you what to do here. I just need to clear the air. I need to get this off of my chest and just speak out loud. Some of this though, I don’t have it rolling around in my head. Right. So don’t be afraid to also let people know the best way to show up and support.

and again, talking is a powerful way to develop perspective and sometimes these unmet expectations, sometimes these disappointments and even heartbreaks can. feel better with the perspective of being aired, of being shared of simply not keeping it bottled up. And so that connection and support in community is tremendously important.

And I hope that’s something that you can see some ways in which to give and to get and to connect in order to feel better. And I want to say too, you know, Gratitude is a powerful way to uplift ourselves. You know, that gratitude practice writing down three things you’re grateful for every day is a wonderful way to train your brain, to seek out what we’re grateful for, to value those experiences.

So that next time your brain is more present and these emotions are filed, they’re sticky. In the same way that stressful emotions and memories are sticky because it’s powerful training and that’s our biological wiring to put value on stress. We can wire our brain to put value on those feelings of gratitude and those experiences that generate that gratitude and happy and satisfied.

So give gratitude, but not necessarily for what you have, but think about who is in your life. Who can you be grateful for an interaction that you had today and think about how you can be grateful for how things come to pass. So not only, and certainly maybe not, especially not what we’re grateful for, but the who and the how of the little things throughout our day, that.

Life move a little bit more easily, that help us along on our path. The more we recognize that people have our back that life is working in support of us. We can start to have a little less fear, a little less insecurity, a little more faith. In a positive outcome. And so let that gratitude also help to reframe your expectations and to enjoy those happy surprises that even if it wasn’t what you expected to move the needle and move things forward, these synchronicities, these blessings that come together, you know, I love to say my personal catchphrase is happy.

Thank you more, please celebrate those and say, yes, I would love some more of the. and finally, uh, something that I think is so important and easy to forget. And so I’ll leave you with this reminder. It’s so important and beneficial, and you deserve to recognize your own progress. We tend to think that when we’re successful, when we reach a goal, then we will reward our.

Unfortunately, we often move the finish line, Sean Achor’s book, “The Happiness Advantage” is a great look at this at the frustration that a lot of us reach or feel because we keep pursuing goals, but not achieving them. And so rather than only focusing on that finish line that may or may not still be there when you reach your destination. Look at ways to recognize what you’ve done today. What you’ve brought to the table, who you’ve been able to support what went well today, recognizing those small wins help to keep you again, looking for those positive outcomes, recognizing those synchronicities and the way that your team is supporting you.

That life is providing solutions. You get to keep coming back to your priorities. You still know what outcome. Aiming for, but you’re open as to how you get there. And you’re recognizing that even if today, you didn’t move the need, the needle as much as you thought you would or should, you’ve made progress.

And you deserve to celebrate that. And so I hope that you can begin to be a cheerleader for yourself and a cheerleader for the other people in your team, a cheerleader for their family, help them to generate, to build that own internal voice that recognizes they’ve done good work, that their effort is worthwhile and that tomorrow we get to come back and we get to play again and move that needle a little bit further.

So I hope that some of these perspectives help to give you a bit of a frame, a little support. When we feel that life isn’t turning out the way that we want, that we feel that we spend more time in struggle than in ease and flow. And, um, you know, even in tough times, even in a world of turmoil, when we bring our focus back to what is within our.

And we see where we can start to move the needle. We can start to affect change in our own life. We start to build confidence that we can do more of the same. And so no matter how small the step, no matter how small the win, um, Celebrate yourself. I know that I’m celebrating you. I’m grateful that you’re here and that you’re showing up grateful that you’re making the time to listen to this show.

Whether you get to sit down and be at ease for a few minutes, or if I’m keeping a company while you’re out doing errands, please let me know how this lands for you. Let me know what questions you have share any expectations that maybe you’ve had to let go of or how you’ve reframed some so that they’re more align.

For you. I’d love to hear from you wishing you a wonderful week and I’ll see you next time here on the show.